Why Does She Stay?

A lot of people misunderstand why a woman stays in an abusive relationship. They say things like: "If a man ever hit ME, I would walk right out the door! It would be the first and last time he ever laid a hand on me like that!" Or, "I would never stand for a man calling me a bad name. If my husband ever treated me poorly, I'd file for divorce!"

The misunderstanding is vast. The misunderstanding is what keeps women's shelters all across our country begging for money to sustain their operations because so many people believe if a woman is abused it is her fault.

Let that sink in.

If you believe that you would never "allow" a man to abuse you, you must believe that it is choice. It's not a choice. No one chooses to be abused. For years and years, I believed everything was my fault and I blamed myself for staying with my abuser for so long. I beat myself up as much as my ex husband did.

Sure, the physical pain from being beaten hurts. The emotional pain from being constantly mistreated leaves deep wounds in your heart. But the number one casualty in domestic violence is the loss of personal power. The abuser takes away the woman's personal power. Without power, the woman has no power to choose to leave.

Would you blame a rape victim for "allowing" herself to be raped? The rapist strips away the woman's personal power. In some countries, people actually do blame the victim if she is a woman. But this is America, people. Why are we so barbaric in placing blame on the victim?

If you are wondering how some battered women actually get out if they have no power and no choice, let me tell you what it takes: It takes a miracle.

*Support your local women's shelter*

What Does a Battered Wife Look Like?

After speaking about domestic violence to groups of people, there is typically at least one person who will come up to me afterwards and say, "You just told my story. I went through the same thing." We hug as we recognize we are part of a sisterhood. Sadly, a few women have come up to me after a speech and shared they are going through the nightmare at the present time. These women don't look any different than anyone else. They don't have obvious signs of abuse. I haven't seen a beat up face since I saw my own in the mirror 14 years ago.

Now that one of my speeches has been played over and over on the local television station, I have strangers come up to me at school functions, recitals, and the grocery store who share their stories with me. Most of these women are what I would categorize as "Soccer Moms." They look like smart, pretty, well put together women. Yet, as they are leaving the store, pushing their buggies to their cars, I know some of them are going home to die the slow death of being made to feel as though they are worthless.

Maybe you have a picture in your mind about what a battered wife looks like. Maybe you think she is a poor, uneducated, weak minded person. Maybe you think she is ugly or has scars all over her face.

You must change your mental picture because she looks like me. She looks like your child's teacher. She looks like your sister, your mother, your best friend. Domestic Violence happens to at least one out of every four women in America. Chances are you know someone who is living in hell right now.

The National Domestic Violence Hot Line

1 800 799 SAFE (7233)

Lines are open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week

Please support your local Women's Shelter

How to Order Finding Hope, The Journey of a Battered Wife

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