Guess when most battered women meet their abusers? When they are between the ages of 15 and 19. Guess when I met mine? I was 17. My parents were good parents but we didn't have dating rules. Here are a few good ones:
1. No dating until age 16 and your dates cannot be more than two years older than you.
2. You have to go on group dates with friends until age 18 and we have to meet the people you are going with.
3. We encourage old fashion dating which means dating lots of people.
4. Dates have to be in public places. Hanging out at each other's houses is not a date, it is a recipe for temptation.
5. Don't look for a dating partner to "complete" you. Look for dating partners who "compliment" who you already are.
6. Curfews need to be according to what grade you are in. If you are in 11th grade, the curfew is 11:00. If you are in 12th grade, the curfew is 12:00.
7. Friday nights are for dates and going out with friends.
8. Saturday nights are for family activities. If you don't participate on family nights, you don't get to enjoy Friday nights with friends. (This is key!!! Take your family on a date every week. It can be to get an ice cream cone, to go bowling, or to rent a movie and make popcorn.)
9. If you miss your curfew, your curfew will be set an hour earlier for one month. If you miss curfew twice in a month, you are grounded from the phone, computer, and going out for one week.
10. If we suspect dating abuse or an unhealthy relationship developing, we have the right to forbid you to spend time together outside of school.
Children try to grow up as quickly as they can. They may be in a hurry to fall in love and many of their friends will be in relationships. You need to tell your children your dating rules at a very early age so they know what to expect. You need to explain as early as possible the 4 types of dating abuse. Here they are:
1. Physical abuse: Grabbing, pinching, slapping, and hitting are all forms of physical abuse.
2. Emotional abuse: Name calling, teasing, making fun of, putting down, insulting, making you feel bad about yourself or your ideas are all forms of emotional abuse.
3. Sexual abuse: Pressure to do things with your body or your partner's body that make you uncomfortable, force to be intimate, being seduced to be intimate after you have already said no are all signs of sexual abuse. You don't have to have intercourse to have been sexually abused.
4. Psychological abuse: threats, stalking, harassing, excessive text messages or phone calls, checking up constantly, threats that your partner will hurt himself or herself if you break up with them, threats that your partner will hurt you if you break up, are all signs of psychological abuse.
Abuse is all about control. Tell your children that if they ever feel like their partner is trying to control them, to tell you, a trusted family friend, or a teacher. If their partner is possessive or jealous, they are trying to control them.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
How to order a book
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To order a book send your request to:
Books are $15.00
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Is Someone Hurting You?
Maybe you are suspicious that a friend is being abused. You see some signs and you have a funny feeling. You want to help but you don't know what to say. Maybe you pretend you don't know because it makes you uncomfortable. Maybe you are afraid to get involved because you are not a trained counselor and wouldn't know what to do.
Did you know that Domestic Violence affects 1 in 4 women in the United States? This statistic is mind blowing to me. This means we all know women who are affected by Domestic Violence.
If you want to help, all you have to do is two things. First, ask the question: "Is someone hurting you?" She may have been waiting and waiting for someone to ask.
She may deny it. That's her choice and she may have several reasons for not telling you. But at least she will know you care and are concerned.
She may think you are crazy for asking if she is not being abused, but I don't think she would be angry about it. She would probably thank you for caring about her well being.
She might confide in you that yes, in fact she is being abused. Here comes the second part. It is very simple. Give her a phone number. You can give her your local domestic violence center's number, your state's hot line number, or the National Domestic Violence number. Encourage her to talk to someone who can help her. She doesn't have to make a decision right then and there to leave her partner. She can get advice about what to do or maybe just have a trained volunteer to talk to.
So, that's all there is to it. Don't be afraid to ask: "Is someone hurting you?"
Did you know that Domestic Violence affects 1 in 4 women in the United States? This statistic is mind blowing to me. This means we all know women who are affected by Domestic Violence.
If you want to help, all you have to do is two things. First, ask the question: "Is someone hurting you?" She may have been waiting and waiting for someone to ask.
She may deny it. That's her choice and she may have several reasons for not telling you. But at least she will know you care and are concerned.
She may think you are crazy for asking if she is not being abused, but I don't think she would be angry about it. She would probably thank you for caring about her well being.
She might confide in you that yes, in fact she is being abused. Here comes the second part. It is very simple. Give her a phone number. You can give her your local domestic violence center's number, your state's hot line number, or the National Domestic Violence number. Encourage her to talk to someone who can help her. She doesn't have to make a decision right then and there to leave her partner. She can get advice about what to do or maybe just have a trained volunteer to talk to.
So, that's all there is to it. Don't be afraid to ask: "Is someone hurting you?"
The National Domestic Violence Hot Line
1 800 799 SAFE (7233)
Lines are open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week
Monday, May 16, 2011
Can an abuser ever really change?
I know a woman who was married to an abusive man and separated from him for a period of time. She gave him time and space to make some changes. Ultimately, he wanted to stay married but she was not willing to stay married until he got some serious help. Everyone is different. This was what was right for her. Luckily, her husband pulled through and changed the way he dealt with his problems. Their first few years were rough, but they have enjoyed many happy years together since reuniting. They have two beautiful children and are happy. The children are being raised in a safe, loving environment.
I think this might be rare, but it is possible. I think the important key to this success story is that the wife left while the husband worked on things. She worked on things too. If a couple is not functioning while they are together, it is sometimes necessary to separate.
I think this might be rare, but it is possible. I think the important key to this success story is that the wife left while the husband worked on things. She worked on things too. If a couple is not functioning while they are together, it is sometimes necessary to separate.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
How do you know if you should leave or stay?
Everyone is different. Every abuse is different. What many women would accept as normal treatment may be another woman's definition of abuse. Verbal and emotional abuse is a grey area. Physical abuse is more obvious. But all abuse is abuse. It doesn't matter if your partner leaves scars and wounds on your body or just in your soul.
Abused women tend to be optimistic care takers. They grasp on to a hope that tomorrow will be better. They feel every time they were put down or slapped around will be the last time. They feel if maybe they can change and become better lovers, better women, better housewives, better mothers, that their partners will finally be happy with them. Sometimes the honeymoon period following a violent or hurtful episode clouds their reality. I know it often clouded mine.
If you are asking the question whether you should leave or stay, I suspect you know your answer. To even be asking it tells me several things.
1. It tells me that you can admit you are being abused.
2. It tells me that you have seriously considered what it might be like if you left.
3. It tells me that you wish you could stay if he would stop hurting you and frightening you.
When I first started asking myself this question, I thought I should stay. I told myself things like: It's not that bad. I need to honor my wedding vows for better and for worse. If I leave, I am scared he will come after me. My children will grow up in a broken home. I don't want them to be alone with their father. If I stay, at least I can watch over them.
When I talked myself into leaving, I told myself things like: It really is that bad. I believe in honoring vows but I don't think God would want me to be abused. If I stay, I will die. If he doesn't kill me, I am still dying and losing pieces of myself every time he hurts me. If I leave, I will do whatever I can to fight for my children. I will go to the ends of the earth to protect them. They are already growing up in a very broken home.
Leaving is the most dangerous time for a battered woman. Your answer may wash over you like an epiphany but that doesn't mean you need to rush right out the door. You may have to wait until you can develop a safety plan with a person who is trained to help you. The HELP IS FREE! You can call the national domestic violence hot line and ask for help.
No one will pressure you. For a woman who has been stripped of all her power by her abuser, this may be the first time you have a say. It may be hard for you to make a choice. It may take a long time for you to decide what is best. If you need time, you can have time. You have the power. You get to choose. If you want to stay, there is still help available for you. Many domestic violence center offer amazing support groups. No one but you can decide if you should stay or go.
Whatever you decide, don't judge yourself. I know you are doing the best you can.
The National Domestic Violence Hot Line
Abused women tend to be optimistic care takers. They grasp on to a hope that tomorrow will be better. They feel every time they were put down or slapped around will be the last time. They feel if maybe they can change and become better lovers, better women, better housewives, better mothers, that their partners will finally be happy with them. Sometimes the honeymoon period following a violent or hurtful episode clouds their reality. I know it often clouded mine.
If you are asking the question whether you should leave or stay, I suspect you know your answer. To even be asking it tells me several things.
1. It tells me that you can admit you are being abused.
2. It tells me that you have seriously considered what it might be like if you left.
3. It tells me that you wish you could stay if he would stop hurting you and frightening you.
When I first started asking myself this question, I thought I should stay. I told myself things like: It's not that bad. I need to honor my wedding vows for better and for worse. If I leave, I am scared he will come after me. My children will grow up in a broken home. I don't want them to be alone with their father. If I stay, at least I can watch over them.
When I talked myself into leaving, I told myself things like: It really is that bad. I believe in honoring vows but I don't think God would want me to be abused. If I stay, I will die. If he doesn't kill me, I am still dying and losing pieces of myself every time he hurts me. If I leave, I will do whatever I can to fight for my children. I will go to the ends of the earth to protect them. They are already growing up in a very broken home.
Leaving is the most dangerous time for a battered woman. Your answer may wash over you like an epiphany but that doesn't mean you need to rush right out the door. You may have to wait until you can develop a safety plan with a person who is trained to help you. The HELP IS FREE! You can call the national domestic violence hot line and ask for help.
No one will pressure you. For a woman who has been stripped of all her power by her abuser, this may be the first time you have a say. It may be hard for you to make a choice. It may take a long time for you to decide what is best. If you need time, you can have time. You have the power. You get to choose. If you want to stay, there is still help available for you. Many domestic violence center offer amazing support groups. No one but you can decide if you should stay or go.
Whatever you decide, don't judge yourself. I know you are doing the best you can.
The National Domestic Violence Hot Line
1 800 799 SAFE (7233)
Lines are open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week
Please support your local Women's Shelter
Thursday, April 21, 2011
How does a victim ever find peace when it's over?
Well, first of all, it is never "over." Whatever you've been through as a domestic violence victim, your wounds will never fully heal. Now, don't get mad that I just said that. It doesn't mean you won't find peace and a "happily ever after."
There are many wounds we will have in our life that will never heal. Losing a loved one is a prime example. I think people get in big trouble when they hold on to an ideal that life should be pain free. Who has told you you are entitled to a perfect life? Why do so many people fruitlessly spend all their time, money, and energy on attempting to make their life happy and pain free?
Pain and sorrow are only "bad" for you if you turn it into bitterness, hate, and anger.
But what if you can turn all that pain and sorrow into peace, love, hope, and joy?
Your wounds have left an opening into your heart! You can fill that opening with self pity. You may fill that hole with medication or drugs and alcohol. You may nurse your wounds with anger at your abuser. You may fill that hole with more dysfunctional relationships. If you stuff your wounds, you will eventually become a closed up woman.
Or, you may see your wounds as an opening to a relationship with your higher power. You may see that now you have a greater capacity to receive and give love. You may see yourself stripped away of pride and left a humble, weak, broken woman who has the unique opportunity to build herself back together piece by piece. That is a special position to be in. Kind of makes you feel sorry for those who have had boring lives without pain and suffering. They don't get to have as big a hole in their hearts. They won't get to have the opportunity to fill their hearts with as much beauty as you do.
I leave my wounds open now. I accept them. I embrace them. For years, I tried to close them with shame, guilt, embarrassment, and resentments. I like being open better. Beautiful things have an easier time going straight into my heart now.
So, you'll never get over domestic violence. And what you can't get over in life, you must go through. It can be a very rewarding, uplifting journey. It can be difficult and trying at times too. But the process is special if you let your higher power walk with you on your journey. Along the way, you can find forgiveness which is not a prize for your abuser, but a gift for you to move on in a positive way. And once you can openly share your story to another victim in hopes of helping them, then you will have reached a peace you could only ever imagine.
**Please support your local domestic violence center. No amount is too small. Even non profit organizations have to buy printer ink and paper. $20.00 can help make a difference in the lives of the women they support.**
There are many wounds we will have in our life that will never heal. Losing a loved one is a prime example. I think people get in big trouble when they hold on to an ideal that life should be pain free. Who has told you you are entitled to a perfect life? Why do so many people fruitlessly spend all their time, money, and energy on attempting to make their life happy and pain free?
Pain and sorrow are only "bad" for you if you turn it into bitterness, hate, and anger.
But what if you can turn all that pain and sorrow into peace, love, hope, and joy?
Your wounds have left an opening into your heart! You can fill that opening with self pity. You may fill that hole with medication or drugs and alcohol. You may nurse your wounds with anger at your abuser. You may fill that hole with more dysfunctional relationships. If you stuff your wounds, you will eventually become a closed up woman.
Or, you may see your wounds as an opening to a relationship with your higher power. You may see that now you have a greater capacity to receive and give love. You may see yourself stripped away of pride and left a humble, weak, broken woman who has the unique opportunity to build herself back together piece by piece. That is a special position to be in. Kind of makes you feel sorry for those who have had boring lives without pain and suffering. They don't get to have as big a hole in their hearts. They won't get to have the opportunity to fill their hearts with as much beauty as you do.
I leave my wounds open now. I accept them. I embrace them. For years, I tried to close them with shame, guilt, embarrassment, and resentments. I like being open better. Beautiful things have an easier time going straight into my heart now.
So, you'll never get over domestic violence. And what you can't get over in life, you must go through. It can be a very rewarding, uplifting journey. It can be difficult and trying at times too. But the process is special if you let your higher power walk with you on your journey. Along the way, you can find forgiveness which is not a prize for your abuser, but a gift for you to move on in a positive way. And once you can openly share your story to another victim in hopes of helping them, then you will have reached a peace you could only ever imagine.
**Please support your local domestic violence center. No amount is too small. Even non profit organizations have to buy printer ink and paper. $20.00 can help make a difference in the lives of the women they support.**
Thursday, April 14, 2011
There is enough denial to go around for everyone
"William and I had a stand-off in his driveway. He was yelling for my keys and I was shaking my head no. I tried to reason with him but he became more and more irate the more I talked. I tried to go inside the house but he kept blocking the way. The next thing I knew, Wham! His fist went through my face. Again and again. Blood was pouring out of my nose. There was a ringing in my ears. I saw black and I got slammed into the hood of my car which left a dent that looked like my small body. I slid off the car and landed on the driveway when he started kicking me over and over again. His driveway was on an incline and I remember when he would kick me, I would roll up the driveway and then roll back down and he would kick me again. I couldn't get up and I lost my voice just like in a dream when you want to scream but you can't.
Eventually, some people came outside of the next door neighbor's house and they saw us or heard William. I could barely make out the shapes of the men and it took them a few minutes to realize what they were looking at. Once it all clicked that I was being beaten, they started screaming at William to stop. It took four men and William's father to get him off of me. They took him inside and beat the crap out of him. William's step mother helped me get up and remove the gravel which had embedded into my skin and she got me bags of ice to put on my face. No one called the police in case you are wondering." (Finding Hope, the Journey of a Battered Wife pages 54-55.)
If you had been there, what would you have done? Would you have called 911? Domestic violence is a familial disease in my opinion and it affects every single member of the family and even friends. Good, law abiding citizens who know right from wrong will sometimes deny the truth even if they see it with their own two eyes.
Somebody should have called the police that night. This episode was the first time William really beat me. We were just dating. I was only 18 years old.
Weeks and months afterwards, when his family would see me, I felt like I was the bad guy. His step mother just thought I was a moron to stay with William and I suppose she thought that if I stayed, I deserved what I got. I know his father felt that way. He told me exactly how he felt more than once.
What I am trying to tell you is that if you know someone who is living this nightmare, you must speak up. Do the right thing. It doesn't get better with time on its own. Maybe you are afraid calling the police will make things worse. What is worse in the long run? A dead girl?
Not calling the police when you see abuse happening is just fueling the abuser's power. He knows everyone is scared of him and that is why he will keep doing what he is doing. Domestic Violence training for law enforcement workers has come a long way. These professionals know what they are doing. They can whisk the victim and her children to safety. They can lock the abuser in jail where he deserves to be. Domestic Violence Centers not only hide the victim and her children, they can offer her hope and help her develop a really good long- term plan for her future. She will receive legal aid, counseling, and daily support. By taking a stand, you can save a life.
*Support you local women's shelter. No amount is too small.*
Eventually, some people came outside of the next door neighbor's house and they saw us or heard William. I could barely make out the shapes of the men and it took them a few minutes to realize what they were looking at. Once it all clicked that I was being beaten, they started screaming at William to stop. It took four men and William's father to get him off of me. They took him inside and beat the crap out of him. William's step mother helped me get up and remove the gravel which had embedded into my skin and she got me bags of ice to put on my face. No one called the police in case you are wondering." (Finding Hope, the Journey of a Battered Wife pages 54-55.)
If you had been there, what would you have done? Would you have called 911? Domestic violence is a familial disease in my opinion and it affects every single member of the family and even friends. Good, law abiding citizens who know right from wrong will sometimes deny the truth even if they see it with their own two eyes.
Somebody should have called the police that night. This episode was the first time William really beat me. We were just dating. I was only 18 years old.
Weeks and months afterwards, when his family would see me, I felt like I was the bad guy. His step mother just thought I was a moron to stay with William and I suppose she thought that if I stayed, I deserved what I got. I know his father felt that way. He told me exactly how he felt more than once.
What I am trying to tell you is that if you know someone who is living this nightmare, you must speak up. Do the right thing. It doesn't get better with time on its own. Maybe you are afraid calling the police will make things worse. What is worse in the long run? A dead girl?
Not calling the police when you see abuse happening is just fueling the abuser's power. He knows everyone is scared of him and that is why he will keep doing what he is doing. Domestic Violence training for law enforcement workers has come a long way. These professionals know what they are doing. They can whisk the victim and her children to safety. They can lock the abuser in jail where he deserves to be. Domestic Violence Centers not only hide the victim and her children, they can offer her hope and help her develop a really good long- term plan for her future. She will receive legal aid, counseling, and daily support. By taking a stand, you can save a life.
*Support you local women's shelter. No amount is too small.*
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