How do you know if you should leave or stay?

Everyone is different.  Every abuse is different.  What many women would accept as normal treatment may be another woman's definition of abuse.  Verbal and emotional abuse is a grey area.  Physical abuse is more obvious.  But all abuse is abuse.  It doesn't matter if your partner leaves scars and wounds on your body or just in your soul.

Abused women tend to be optimistic care takers.  They grasp on to a hope that tomorrow will be better.  They feel every time they were put down or slapped around will be the last time.  They feel if maybe they can change and become better lovers, better women, better housewives, better mothers, that their partners will finally be happy with them.  Sometimes the honeymoon period following a violent or hurtful episode clouds their reality.  I know it often clouded mine.

If you are asking the question whether you should leave or stay, I suspect you know your answer.  To even be asking it tells me several things.   

1. It tells me that you can admit you are being abused.
2. It tells me that you have seriously considered what it might be like if you left.
3. It tells me that you wish you could stay if he would stop hurting you and frightening you.

When I first started asking myself this question, I thought I should stay.  I told myself things like: It's not that bad.  I need to honor my wedding vows for better and for worse.  If I leave, I am scared he will come after me.  My children will grow up in a broken home. I don't want them to be alone with their father.  If I stay, at least I can watch over them. 

When I talked myself into leaving, I told myself things like: It really is that bad.  I believe in honoring vows but I don't think God would want me to be abused.  If I stay, I will die.  If he doesn't kill me, I am still dying and losing pieces of myself every time he hurts me.  If I leave, I will do whatever I can to fight for my children.  I will go to the ends of the earth to protect them.  They are already growing up in a very broken home.

Leaving is the most dangerous time for a battered woman.  Your answer may wash over you like an epiphany but that doesn't mean you need to rush right out the door.  You may have to wait until you can develop a safety plan with a person who is trained to help you.  The HELP IS FREE!  You can call the national domestic violence hot line and ask for help.   

No one will pressure you.  For a woman who has been stripped of all her power by her abuser, this may be the first time you have a say.  It may be hard for you to make a choice.  It may take a long time for you to decide what is best.  If you need time, you can have time.  You have the power.  You get to choose.  If you want to stay, there is still help available for you.  Many domestic violence center offer amazing support groups.  No one but you can decide if you should stay or go.

Whatever you decide, don't judge yourself.  I know you are doing the best you can.

The National Domestic Violence Hot Line

1 800 799 SAFE (7233)

Lines are open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week

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