Powerless

Are other family members of a battered wife victims too?  Think for a moment about what it would be like if your grown daughter was being abused.  What if you knew her relationship was dysfunctional but every time you encouraged her to leave him, she would tell you a hundred reasons why she can't?  Do you think you could just send out some Domestic Violence rescue squad to bring her back home where you could keep her safe?

Parents of Domestic Violence victims are powerless.  No matter how much you love your child, your love cannot save them.  That's a very hard pill to swallow.  And speaking of pills, let me just link something up in your mind here.  Domestic Violence is very similar to addiction. 

You can liken it to having a daughter whom you tried to "raise right."  You tried to be the best mom you could be.  You warned her of the dangers of drugs.  You gave her rules to follow.  You showered her with affection her whole childhood.  You sacrificed so much in order to give her opportunities.  You focused on her dreams more than your own.  Sure, you made some mistakes, but what parent is perfect?  You tried to raise your daughter to be successful.

But we all know that no matter what great parenting techniques you may have had, that some times things don't go as we hoped they would.  Some times our children are led astray by outside forces that are out of our control.  Maybe your daughter went to a party and decided to try some heroine.  She's smart.  Everyone is doing it.  It's no big deal.

This is what it feels like to fall in love.  It's exciting.  It's new.  It's not like an abuser knocks your teeth out on the first date.  It's wonderful at first.  And you really have no sure way of knowing if the guy you are falling in love with is an abuser or not.

As the drug wears off, she wants more.  But she feels like she's got it all under control.

Just like your daughter might want more of her boyfriend.  He is intoxicating.  She feels like she's got the relationship all under control.  She may have seen a red flag by now, but she's ignoring it.  He may have shown her how jealous he is but she tells herself it is no big deal.

So, she goes out to get some more heroine.  Just a little bit.  It will be the last time, she tells herself.  It still feels really good.  And things seem to be under control for a little while longer until a few months later she is doing it every day.  She will do anything do get her fix. She will lie, cheat and steal if she has to.  And it is no longer fun.  It doesn't feel good.  Over the course of the next few years her body becomes very damaged.  She doesn't even seem like the same person. 

You would do anything to rescue your daughter from this, wouldn't you?  You work a second job just to pay for her rehab.  She does better for a while, but then has a relapse and becomes worse than ever before.  You try to keep her at home all the time, but she runs away.  And by then, she is an adult and it's not like you can lock her in her room.  The police won't go get her for you.  You beg her to stop using but she can't. 

It doesn't matter how much you care for your daughter, she cannot break the addiction until SHE hits the bottom and has a spiritual awakening that makes HER decide for herself that she wants to get help. And even then, she cannot quit on her own.  It takes a miracle and the daily help and support of a 12 step program.

This is not the same, but it is similar to the scenario of your daughter falling in love with an abuser.  At first, she doesn't know he is an abuser.  Then she sees the red flags.  And in time, she becomes trapped just like an addict.  It's not that she craves being abused, but it is similar to the feeling of being trapped and not being about to get out just because someone says you should.  If you were scared you'd be stalked, harassed, or even killed if you left, would it be easy?  What if you had children together and he used them to manipulate you?

In both scenarios, the daughter's parents are powerless.  Domestic Violence can happen to anyone.  It happens to daughters who are very loved.  It happens to daughters who are smart.  It happens to daughters who were "raised right." 

Parents, it's not your fault.  You did not cause your daughter to be a victim of Domestic Violence.  Admitting you are powerless over your daughter's abusive relationship will be your first step to hope.  Stop blaming yourself.  Stop denying it is happening.  Educate yourself about Domestic Violence and get help.

The National Domestic Violence Hot Line

1 800 799 SAFE (7233)

Lines are open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week

You get what you deserve?

How often was I told everything was my fault?  I heard it all the time.  In fact, I had heard it so much that I believed it.  I truly believed I was a horrible person who deserved to be punished.  He certainly made that clear.  I was also told over and over that I was really stupid.  I think a lot of folks think victims of domestic violence are stupid. 

"If she was smart, she wouldn't be with him in the first place." 

"If she was smart, she would have left the first time he hit her." 

And he would say, "If you were smart, you wouldn't have pissed me off." 

"If you wouldn't have talked on the phone to your sister for so long, I wouldn't have yelled at you." 

"If you weren't such a slow driver, I wouldn't have lost my cool." 

"If you would have done what I said when I said it, we wouldn't have a problem, now would we?"

Even when I asked his dad for help, he told me I had to sleep in the bed I had made.

A lot of people think that abuse is a choice.  It's not.  No one chooses to be abused. 

Sure, I take respsonsibility for myself.  I have made a lot of mistakes.  I own them.  I have spent 13 years trying to forgive myself of my mistakes.  But I NEVER deserved to be abused.  And neither do you.

Battered women are some of the smartest people I know.  We know how to survive.  We know how to manage and run a household while everything around us is falling apart.  We know how to raise our children to be successful and loving human beings despite our dysfunctional home life.  Battered women are fiercly protective of their children and we have beautiful mothering skills. 

We stay and go back for a lot of reasons but stupidity is not one of them.  The hell we live through is not what God intended for us and we didn't ask for it, we didn't want it, and we didn't deserve it.

You aren't stupid.  You are not a bad person.  You don't deserve to be abused.  It is not your fault.  There is hope.  There is a way out.

The National Domestic Violence Hot Line

1 800 799 SAFE (7233)

Lines are open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week

*Please support your local domestic violence center*

Economic Abuse

Yesterday I had the wonderful opportunity to hear a seminar by Allison Smith, a member of the Georgia Coalition Against Domestic Violence.  The topic was economic abuse.  Does that sound like a weird topic?  Economic abuse? 

I had never heard the term economic abuse before but by golly I assure you I lived through it.

Do you ever wonder why a woman stays with a man who hurts her?  Why doesn't she just get out and leave?

What if her partner had all control over their finances?  Let's think for just a minute here.  Imagine yourself in a victim's shoes.  What if your name was not on anything you owned?  What if you didn't have access to any cash?  What if your partner, in his effort to have complete control over you, had taken away all your power to support yourself?  Do you think it would be easy to just get in your car and go to a hotel?  Even if you went to stay in a women's shelter, what about your future?  Do you think it is easy to get a job that pays enough to support you and your children?  What if your credit is totally ruined?  What if your partner has sabotaged your ability to take out a loan or have a credit card?  How much would it take to start fresh with nothing?  It takes a lot.

A lot of victims are unable to keep jobs.  Victims of domestic violence miss work frequently.  Would you come to work with a black eye?  Would you be productive if you were living a total nightmare and were broken down emotionally?  What if your partner called you all the time at work, harassing you?  Would your boss be happy with that?  And if you didn't answer the calls or respond to the texts, you would really get it when you got home.  What if you had bad marks on your employment record because of all this and no one wanted to hire you?

What if you didn't have any money?  Would you feel trapped?  If you left but couldn't make it on your own and had no family to help you, would you go back?  This is why most women go back.  They couldn't make it on their own.  And guess who is willing to take her back?  Her abuser.  Sometimes with promises things will be different. 

AND a lot of women are scared her children will be taken away.  Believe me, living in a box on the street is better than living with a man who is violent, but DFACS certainly cannot allow children to be homeless and the poor mother will lose her kids.  I know I would do anything to keep my children.  I would even go back to being abused.  Can you understand this?  Can you stop blaming women who go back?  It's for many reasons but being stupid is not one of them.

Economic abuse is when a person seeks to control and have power over his partner by stripping away her ability to support herself.  He wants her to be totally dependent on him for her basic needs.  In a healthy marriage, a woman can depend on her husband's salary, but they both share values and goals concerning money and no matter who earns the biggest paycheck, they mutually agree they are equal partners and share the money in a cooperative manner.  This is a touchy subject even for people in good relationships.  Money problems are in the top 3 reasons for divorce.

If you are in an abusive relationship, it is vital that you start saving money for yourself.  There are many creative ways to do this.  You need to establish an emergency fund and hide it.  I used to find money in the washing machine because my ex husband frequently left cash in his pocket.  Any cash I found, I hid in a tea kettle tucked away in a kitchen cabinet that we never used.  In a short amount of time, I had collected almost $70.00.  That's not a lot of money, but it can put gas in a car.  It can by diapers and ramen noodles.  Sometimes he would ask, "Did you take my money?  I had five dollars in my pocket yesterday."

It is not good to lie, but if you are in an abusive relationship, I hear by give you permission to lie.  I used to say things like, "Hmm, let me help you look."  I would look around the house like I was trying to find it for him.  Just as if you are in the process of making a safety plan to leave, there are certain things you SHOULD NOT tell your abuser.  It is dangerous and so you must protect yourself.

There are many other things you need to do to protect yourself financially.  Go to:  http://gcadv.org/how-to-stop-domestic-financial-abuse/  to learn more.  It is really important information.

A solution for the future: Talk to your children about this.  Tell your sons and your daughters.  Everyone needs to have marketable skill and a way to support themselves.  Period.  Economic abuse can happen to anyone.

I know you are doing the best you can.  I believe in you.

Dating Rules

Guess when most battered women meet their abusers?  When they are between the ages of 15 and 19.  Guess when I met mine?  I was 17.  My parents were good parents but we didn't have dating rules.  Here are a few good ones:

1. No dating until age 16 and your dates cannot be more than two years older than you.
2. You have to go on group dates with friends until age 18 and we have to meet the people you are going with.
3. We encourage old fashion dating which means dating lots of people.
4. Dates have to be in public places.  Hanging out at each other's houses is not a date, it is a recipe for temptation.
5. Don't look for a dating partner to "complete" you.  Look for dating partners who "compliment" who you already are.
6. Curfews need to be according to what grade you are in.  If you are in 11th grade, the curfew is 11:00.  If you are in 12th grade, the curfew is 12:00.
7. Friday nights are for dates and going out with friends.
8. Saturday nights are for family activities.  If you don't participate on family nights, you don't get to enjoy Friday nights with friends. (This is key!!! Take your family on a date every week.  It can be to get an ice cream cone, to go bowling, or to rent a movie and make popcorn.)
9. If you miss your curfew, your curfew will be set an hour earlier for one month.  If you miss curfew twice in a month, you are grounded from the phone, computer, and going out for one week.
10. If we suspect dating abuse or an unhealthy relationship developing, we have the right to forbid you to spend time together outside of school.

Children try to grow up as quickly as they can.  They may be in a hurry to fall in love and many of their friends will be in relationships.  You need to tell your children your dating rules at a very early age so they know what to expect.  You need to explain as early as possible the 4 types of dating abuse.  Here they are:

1. Physical abuse:  Grabbing, pinching, slapping, and hitting are all forms of physical abuse.

2. Emotional abuse:  Name calling, teasing, making fun of, putting down, insulting, making you feel bad about yourself or your ideas are all forms of emotional abuse.

3. Sexual abuse:  Pressure to do things with your body or your partner's body that make you uncomfortable, force to be intimate, being seduced to be intimate after you have already said no are all signs of sexual abuse.  You don't have to have intercourse to have been sexually abused.

4. Psychological abuse: threats, stalking, harassing, excessive text messages or phone calls, checking up constantly, threats that your partner will hurt himself or herself if you break up with them, threats that your partner will hurt you if you break up, are all signs of psychological abuse.

Abuse is all about control.  Tell your children that if they ever feel like their partner is trying to control them, to tell you, a trusted family friend, or a teacher.  If their partner is possessive or jealous, they are trying to control them.

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Is Someone Hurting You?

Maybe you are suspicious that a friend is being abused.  You see some signs and you have a funny feeling.  You want to help but you don't know what to say.  Maybe you pretend you don't know because it makes you uncomfortable.  Maybe you are afraid to get involved because you are not a trained counselor and wouldn't know what to do.

Did you know that Domestic Violence affects 1 in 4 women in the United States?  This statistic is mind blowing to me.  This means we all know women who are affected by Domestic Violence. 

If you want to help, all you have to do is two things.  First, ask the question: "Is someone hurting you?"  She may have been waiting and waiting for someone to ask.

She may deny it.  That's her choice and she may have several reasons for not telling you.  But at least she will know you care and are concerned.

She may think you are crazy for asking if she is not being abused, but I don't think she would be angry about it.  She would probably thank you for caring about her well being. 

She might confide in you that yes, in fact she is being abused.  Here comes the second part.  It is very simple.  Give her a phone number.  You can give her your local domestic violence center's number, your state's hot line number, or the National Domestic Violence number.  Encourage her to talk to someone who can help her.  She doesn't have to make a decision right then and there to leave her partner.  She can get advice about what to do or maybe just have a trained volunteer to talk to.



So, that's all there is to it.  Don't be afraid to ask: "Is someone hurting you?"

The National Domestic Violence Hot Line

1 800 799 SAFE (7233)

Lines are open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week