Yesterday I had the wonderful opportunity to hear a seminar by Allison Smith, a member of the Georgia Coalition Against Domestic Violence. The topic was economic abuse. Does that sound like a weird topic? Economic abuse?
I had never heard the term economic abuse before but by golly I assure you I lived through it.
Do you ever wonder why a woman stays with a man who hurts her? Why doesn't she just get out and leave?
What if her partner had all control over their finances? Let's think for just a minute here. Imagine yourself in a victim's shoes. What if your name was not on anything you owned? What if you didn't have access to any cash? What if your partner, in his effort to have complete control over you, had taken away all your power to support yourself? Do you think it would be easy to just get in your car and go to a hotel? Even if you went to stay in a women's shelter, what about your future? Do you think it is easy to get a job that pays enough to support you and your children? What if your credit is totally ruined? What if your partner has sabotaged your ability to take out a loan or have a credit card? How much would it take to start fresh with nothing? It takes a lot.
A lot of victims are unable to keep jobs. Victims of domestic violence miss work frequently. Would you come to work with a black eye? Would you be productive if you were living a total nightmare and were broken down emotionally? What if your partner called you all the time at work, harassing you? Would your boss be happy with that? And if you didn't answer the calls or respond to the texts, you would really get it when you got home. What if you had bad marks on your employment record because of all this and no one wanted to hire you?
What if you didn't have any money? Would you feel trapped? If you left but couldn't make it on your own and had no family to help you, would you go back? This is why most women go back. They couldn't make it on their own. And guess who is willing to take her back? Her abuser. Sometimes with promises things will be different.
AND a lot of women are scared her children will be taken away. Believe me, living in a box on the street is better than living with a man who is violent, but DFACS certainly cannot allow children to be homeless and the poor mother will lose her kids. I know I would do anything to keep my children. I would even go back to being abused. Can you understand this? Can you stop blaming women who go back? It's for many reasons but being stupid is not one of them.
Economic abuse is when a person seeks to control and have power over his partner by stripping away her ability to support herself. He wants her to be totally dependent on him for her basic needs. In a healthy marriage, a woman can depend on her husband's salary, but they both share values and goals concerning money and no matter who earns the biggest paycheck, they mutually agree they are equal partners and share the money in a cooperative manner. This is a touchy subject even for people in good relationships. Money problems are in the top 3 reasons for divorce.
If you are in an abusive relationship, it is vital that you start saving money for yourself. There are many creative ways to do this. You need to establish an emergency fund and hide it. I used to find money in the washing machine because my ex husband frequently left cash in his pocket. Any cash I found, I hid in a tea kettle tucked away in a kitchen cabinet that we never used. In a short amount of time, I had collected almost $70.00. That's not a lot of money, but it can put gas in a car. It can by diapers and ramen noodles. Sometimes he would ask, "Did you take my money? I had five dollars in my pocket yesterday."
It is not good to lie, but if you are in an abusive relationship, I hear by give you permission to lie. I used to say things like, "Hmm, let me help you look." I would look around the house like I was trying to find it for him. Just as if you are in the process of making a safety plan to leave, there are certain things you SHOULD NOT tell your abuser. It is dangerous and so you must protect yourself.
There are many other things you need to do to protect yourself financially. Go to: http://gcadv.org/how-to-stop-domestic-financial-abuse/ to learn more. It is really important information.
A solution for the future: Talk to your children about this. Tell your sons and your daughters. Everyone needs to have marketable skill and a way to support themselves. Period. Economic abuse can happen to anyone.
I know you are doing the best you can. I believe in you.
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