Powerless

Are other family members of a battered wife victims too?  Think for a moment about what it would be like if your grown daughter was being abused.  What if you knew her relationship was dysfunctional but every time you encouraged her to leave him, she would tell you a hundred reasons why she can't?  Do you think you could just send out some Domestic Violence rescue squad to bring her back home where you could keep her safe?

Parents of Domestic Violence victims are powerless.  No matter how much you love your child, your love cannot save them.  That's a very hard pill to swallow.  And speaking of pills, let me just link something up in your mind here.  Domestic Violence is very similar to addiction. 

You can liken it to having a daughter whom you tried to "raise right."  You tried to be the best mom you could be.  You warned her of the dangers of drugs.  You gave her rules to follow.  You showered her with affection her whole childhood.  You sacrificed so much in order to give her opportunities.  You focused on her dreams more than your own.  Sure, you made some mistakes, but what parent is perfect?  You tried to raise your daughter to be successful.

But we all know that no matter what great parenting techniques you may have had, that some times things don't go as we hoped they would.  Some times our children are led astray by outside forces that are out of our control.  Maybe your daughter went to a party and decided to try some heroine.  She's smart.  Everyone is doing it.  It's no big deal.

This is what it feels like to fall in love.  It's exciting.  It's new.  It's not like an abuser knocks your teeth out on the first date.  It's wonderful at first.  And you really have no sure way of knowing if the guy you are falling in love with is an abuser or not.

As the drug wears off, she wants more.  But she feels like she's got it all under control.

Just like your daughter might want more of her boyfriend.  He is intoxicating.  She feels like she's got the relationship all under control.  She may have seen a red flag by now, but she's ignoring it.  He may have shown her how jealous he is but she tells herself it is no big deal.

So, she goes out to get some more heroine.  Just a little bit.  It will be the last time, she tells herself.  It still feels really good.  And things seem to be under control for a little while longer until a few months later she is doing it every day.  She will do anything do get her fix. She will lie, cheat and steal if she has to.  And it is no longer fun.  It doesn't feel good.  Over the course of the next few years her body becomes very damaged.  She doesn't even seem like the same person. 

You would do anything to rescue your daughter from this, wouldn't you?  You work a second job just to pay for her rehab.  She does better for a while, but then has a relapse and becomes worse than ever before.  You try to keep her at home all the time, but she runs away.  And by then, she is an adult and it's not like you can lock her in her room.  The police won't go get her for you.  You beg her to stop using but she can't. 

It doesn't matter how much you care for your daughter, she cannot break the addiction until SHE hits the bottom and has a spiritual awakening that makes HER decide for herself that she wants to get help. And even then, she cannot quit on her own.  It takes a miracle and the daily help and support of a 12 step program.

This is not the same, but it is similar to the scenario of your daughter falling in love with an abuser.  At first, she doesn't know he is an abuser.  Then she sees the red flags.  And in time, she becomes trapped just like an addict.  It's not that she craves being abused, but it is similar to the feeling of being trapped and not being about to get out just because someone says you should.  If you were scared you'd be stalked, harassed, or even killed if you left, would it be easy?  What if you had children together and he used them to manipulate you?

In both scenarios, the daughter's parents are powerless.  Domestic Violence can happen to anyone.  It happens to daughters who are very loved.  It happens to daughters who are smart.  It happens to daughters who were "raised right." 

Parents, it's not your fault.  You did not cause your daughter to be a victim of Domestic Violence.  Admitting you are powerless over your daughter's abusive relationship will be your first step to hope.  Stop blaming yourself.  Stop denying it is happening.  Educate yourself about Domestic Violence and get help.

The National Domestic Violence Hot Line

1 800 799 SAFE (7233)

Lines are open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week