Why Me?

I made a tremendous mistake after I escaped my nightmare and landed safely hundreds of miles away with my two daughters.  My mistake was that I closed the door on all the things I left behind in New Mexico.  I was a shattered woman who pretended it never happened.  I believed that I was magically healed since I was far, far away from the man who abused me and was finally legally divorced. 

Denial can make you delusional. 

I was euphoric when I came home.  I felt so free and strong.  I felt courageous and brave.  I was cured.  Fine.  Happy.  Safe.  It lasted a little while.  Then all the things I left behind began following me around everywhere I went.  Fear.  Despair.  Sadness.  Hurt.  Pain. 

I needed counseling.  I was a mess for three or four years after the nightmare was "over." 

I was a mess because I kept trying to shut the door on all those feelings.  I did not talk about the past to anyone.  I pretended it never happened.  It was embarrassing.  If I told someone, they would see what a complete idiot I was.  They would see I was a bad mother who knowingly brought two little girls into a bad situation.  They would know I "allowed" myself to be a victim of terrible abuse.  They would know my secret that I felt so unworthy of being loved that I married a man who hit me, verbally abused me, controlled me, raped me, threatened my life with a gun to my head, and did cruel things to me for 7 years.  I couldn't let anyone know.

And for those who already knew, like my family members, I kept a lid on my feelings so they would see how happy I was.  They wouldn't have to worry about me any more.

It left me confused for a long time.  Why me?  Why did I live that way?  Aren't I smarter than that?  How could I have ever been with a man like him?  I am not the same person.

Delusional.  I AM the same person.  It was me.  It is me.

It wasn't until four years after my plane landed safely far, far away from my ex-husband that I finally reached out for help.  I was remarried by then.  I finally started facing all the things I thought I had left behind which were jepordizing my future and making my present life exhausting.

If you were or are currently in an abusive relationship, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.  No one chooses to be abused.  Your abuser has slowly taken away all your power.  However, this does not mean that you are not emotionally dysfunctional to have fallen in love with someone who wanted to control you.  Sometimes domestic violence blindsides the victim and they honestly didn't see it coming, but in my case, I saw red flags all the way.  There were reasons I was attracted to my partner and I needed to face them head on with a trained counselor to find out what was missing in my heart.  I needed help to find my own personal answers to the question: "Why me?"

Every one's answer is different and complex.  There are a hundred reasons why you are with your partner and there are a hundred reasons why you stay with your partner.  I encourage you to take a personal inventory and discover some of those reasons.  It will be your fourth step in healing and it is a BIG step. 

Many domestic violence centers offer free counseling and group therapy.  You may think it is just an emergency shelter, but it is much more.  If you need to talk to someone, contact your local Women's Shelter and find out what is available on your journey to un-break your heart.  If you have been blessed to live your life without violence, please donate to your local women's shelter and support the programs that help women like me.

The National Domestic Violence Hot Line

1 800 799 SAFE (7233)

Lines are open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week