Dear Battered Wife,

It's time to tell someone.  Reach out and share what you are going through. Tell a friend, a family member, a counselor, or a volunteer on the other end of a hot line.  Just get it out.

You may be scared of what will happen if you tell your secret.  I'll tell you what's really scary: waiting too long to get help.

Telling someone your secret doesn't mean you have to rush right out the door and leave your partner.  It may not be the right time to leave.  Actually, there is no "right time."  But just sharing your burden with someone who cares will lessen your burden.  It will help you unload some of the weight you've been struggling to carry around. 

There are people who care about you who are willing to help you make a safety plan.  If you don't know who to call, start with the national hot line found at the bottom of this page.  Or, you can leave this website and google Domestic Violence Centers or Battered Women Shelters in your area.  Call them.  Just open your mouth and let the words flow.  No one will judge you.  They will be honored to help you.

The first person I told was a complete stranger.  Miracles began unfolding after I opened my heart and spilled my secrets.  My boss already knew I was in trouble and I got fired from my job as a teacher because my ex husband was stalking me and had left bruises on my neck from where he choked me.  But I just couldn't say the words that I was in trouble and needed help.

The stranger I told ended up helping me rescue myself which took 18 long months to do.  But I did it.  And I am grateful I chose to tell someone.

I know you are doing the best you can.  Lessen your burdens today by telling someone.  Admitting you need help is the first step to being the best you can be.

The National Domestic Violence Hot Line

1 800 799 SAFE (7233)

Lines are open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week

If you have been blessed to live a life without violence, please support your local Women's Shelter.  In these hard economic times, these nonprofit organizations need your help.

Be kind to yourself

Battered Wives have something in common.  We are all multi taskers.  We juggle a lot.  It takes enormous effort to keep everything looking normal to outsiders.  We tip toe on egg shells trying to avoid our partners.  One false move and we're going to get it.  It is exhausting. 

Is this how you feel today?  Are you exhausted? 

I want you to do just one act of kindness for yourself.  It can be going to the library find a great book to read.  It can be a bubble bath.  It can be painting your nails.  It can be going for a walk.  It doesn't matter what the activity is, just do it for yourself.  One thing every day.  It doesn't have to take long.  If all you have is five minutes a day for yourself, that's OK.  You make those five minutes count.  It's just for you and it's your little secret.

We lose who we are when we are living the nightmare of domestic violence.  I know I lost myself and it took years to find myself again.  I was so used to being told what to do and when to do it that I lost the inner voice that used to tell me what my dreams and goals are.

By doing a simple little thing for yourself every day will help save you from becoming totally lost. Use those minutes to clear your mind.  Try not to think about what's bothering you.  Just let it go for a little while.  Be still and listen out for your own inner voice.  She has so much to tell you.

I know you are doing the best you can.  I am praying for you.

Love, Abigail

Hope

"Things won't always be this bad."

If you had told me this 17 years ago, I wouldn't have believed you.  While I was living the nightmare, it felt like everything was going to be difficult and sad forever.  I didn't see how it could ever end unless I was dead.

I had just had a baby and my ex husband had just discovered Crystal Meth.  He was using every night to stay awake working a night shift and coming home in the foulest mood you've ever seen.  It didn't matter what I said or did, it was wrong.  When he wasn't high off that nasty stuff, he was drinking excessively.  He was violent, very violent.  I wanted out but he put a loaded shot gun to my head and made it clear that he would blow my head off if I ever left him.

Is this where you are right now?  Do you want to leave but it is too dangerous?  Reach out for help.  Just talk to someone.  There is hope.  It's not easy, but miracles are waiting for you.  Your life doesn't always have to be the way it is right now.  Don't stop believing that this too shall pass. 

Maybe he has taken away your power.  Maybe he has robbed you of your security.  Maybe he has damaged your faith.  Maybe he has smashed your self esteem.  BUT DO NOT LET HIM TAKE AWAY YOUR HOPE!  That is yours, and he cannot have it.

Love,
Abigail

The National Domestic Violence Hot Line

1 800 799 SAFE (7233)

Lines are open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week

If you have been blessed to live a life without violence, please support your local Women's Shelter.  In these hard economic times, these nonprofit organizations need your help.

Powerless

Are other family members of a battered wife victims too?  Think for a moment about what it would be like if your grown daughter was being abused.  What if you knew her relationship was dysfunctional but every time you encouraged her to leave him, she would tell you a hundred reasons why she can't?  Do you think you could just send out some Domestic Violence rescue squad to bring her back home where you could keep her safe?

Parents of Domestic Violence victims are powerless.  No matter how much you love your child, your love cannot save them.  That's a very hard pill to swallow.  And speaking of pills, let me just link something up in your mind here.  Domestic Violence is very similar to addiction. 

You can liken it to having a daughter whom you tried to "raise right."  You tried to be the best mom you could be.  You warned her of the dangers of drugs.  You gave her rules to follow.  You showered her with affection her whole childhood.  You sacrificed so much in order to give her opportunities.  You focused on her dreams more than your own.  Sure, you made some mistakes, but what parent is perfect?  You tried to raise your daughter to be successful.

But we all know that no matter what great parenting techniques you may have had, that some times things don't go as we hoped they would.  Some times our children are led astray by outside forces that are out of our control.  Maybe your daughter went to a party and decided to try some heroine.  She's smart.  Everyone is doing it.  It's no big deal.

This is what it feels like to fall in love.  It's exciting.  It's new.  It's not like an abuser knocks your teeth out on the first date.  It's wonderful at first.  And you really have no sure way of knowing if the guy you are falling in love with is an abuser or not.

As the drug wears off, she wants more.  But she feels like she's got it all under control.

Just like your daughter might want more of her boyfriend.  He is intoxicating.  She feels like she's got the relationship all under control.  She may have seen a red flag by now, but she's ignoring it.  He may have shown her how jealous he is but she tells herself it is no big deal.

So, she goes out to get some more heroine.  Just a little bit.  It will be the last time, she tells herself.  It still feels really good.  And things seem to be under control for a little while longer until a few months later she is doing it every day.  She will do anything do get her fix. She will lie, cheat and steal if she has to.  And it is no longer fun.  It doesn't feel good.  Over the course of the next few years her body becomes very damaged.  She doesn't even seem like the same person. 

You would do anything to rescue your daughter from this, wouldn't you?  You work a second job just to pay for her rehab.  She does better for a while, but then has a relapse and becomes worse than ever before.  You try to keep her at home all the time, but she runs away.  And by then, she is an adult and it's not like you can lock her in her room.  The police won't go get her for you.  You beg her to stop using but she can't. 

It doesn't matter how much you care for your daughter, she cannot break the addiction until SHE hits the bottom and has a spiritual awakening that makes HER decide for herself that she wants to get help. And even then, she cannot quit on her own.  It takes a miracle and the daily help and support of a 12 step program.

This is not the same, but it is similar to the scenario of your daughter falling in love with an abuser.  At first, she doesn't know he is an abuser.  Then she sees the red flags.  And in time, she becomes trapped just like an addict.  It's not that she craves being abused, but it is similar to the feeling of being trapped and not being about to get out just because someone says you should.  If you were scared you'd be stalked, harassed, or even killed if you left, would it be easy?  What if you had children together and he used them to manipulate you?

In both scenarios, the daughter's parents are powerless.  Domestic Violence can happen to anyone.  It happens to daughters who are very loved.  It happens to daughters who are smart.  It happens to daughters who were "raised right." 

Parents, it's not your fault.  You did not cause your daughter to be a victim of Domestic Violence.  Admitting you are powerless over your daughter's abusive relationship will be your first step to hope.  Stop blaming yourself.  Stop denying it is happening.  Educate yourself about Domestic Violence and get help.

The National Domestic Violence Hot Line

1 800 799 SAFE (7233)

Lines are open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week

You get what you deserve?

How often was I told everything was my fault?  I heard it all the time.  In fact, I had heard it so much that I believed it.  I truly believed I was a horrible person who deserved to be punished.  He certainly made that clear.  I was also told over and over that I was really stupid.  I think a lot of folks think victims of domestic violence are stupid. 

"If she was smart, she wouldn't be with him in the first place." 

"If she was smart, she would have left the first time he hit her." 

And he would say, "If you were smart, you wouldn't have pissed me off." 

"If you wouldn't have talked on the phone to your sister for so long, I wouldn't have yelled at you." 

"If you weren't such a slow driver, I wouldn't have lost my cool." 

"If you would have done what I said when I said it, we wouldn't have a problem, now would we?"

Even when I asked his dad for help, he told me I had to sleep in the bed I had made.

A lot of people think that abuse is a choice.  It's not.  No one chooses to be abused. 

Sure, I take respsonsibility for myself.  I have made a lot of mistakes.  I own them.  I have spent 13 years trying to forgive myself of my mistakes.  But I NEVER deserved to be abused.  And neither do you.

Battered women are some of the smartest people I know.  We know how to survive.  We know how to manage and run a household while everything around us is falling apart.  We know how to raise our children to be successful and loving human beings despite our dysfunctional home life.  Battered women are fiercly protective of their children and we have beautiful mothering skills. 

We stay and go back for a lot of reasons but stupidity is not one of them.  The hell we live through is not what God intended for us and we didn't ask for it, we didn't want it, and we didn't deserve it.

You aren't stupid.  You are not a bad person.  You don't deserve to be abused.  It is not your fault.  There is hope.  There is a way out.

The National Domestic Violence Hot Line

1 800 799 SAFE (7233)

Lines are open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week

*Please support your local domestic violence center*

Economic Abuse

Yesterday I had the wonderful opportunity to hear a seminar by Allison Smith, a member of the Georgia Coalition Against Domestic Violence.  The topic was economic abuse.  Does that sound like a weird topic?  Economic abuse? 

I had never heard the term economic abuse before but by golly I assure you I lived through it.

Do you ever wonder why a woman stays with a man who hurts her?  Why doesn't she just get out and leave?

What if her partner had all control over their finances?  Let's think for just a minute here.  Imagine yourself in a victim's shoes.  What if your name was not on anything you owned?  What if you didn't have access to any cash?  What if your partner, in his effort to have complete control over you, had taken away all your power to support yourself?  Do you think it would be easy to just get in your car and go to a hotel?  Even if you went to stay in a women's shelter, what about your future?  Do you think it is easy to get a job that pays enough to support you and your children?  What if your credit is totally ruined?  What if your partner has sabotaged your ability to take out a loan or have a credit card?  How much would it take to start fresh with nothing?  It takes a lot.

A lot of victims are unable to keep jobs.  Victims of domestic violence miss work frequently.  Would you come to work with a black eye?  Would you be productive if you were living a total nightmare and were broken down emotionally?  What if your partner called you all the time at work, harassing you?  Would your boss be happy with that?  And if you didn't answer the calls or respond to the texts, you would really get it when you got home.  What if you had bad marks on your employment record because of all this and no one wanted to hire you?

What if you didn't have any money?  Would you feel trapped?  If you left but couldn't make it on your own and had no family to help you, would you go back?  This is why most women go back.  They couldn't make it on their own.  And guess who is willing to take her back?  Her abuser.  Sometimes with promises things will be different. 

AND a lot of women are scared her children will be taken away.  Believe me, living in a box on the street is better than living with a man who is violent, but DFACS certainly cannot allow children to be homeless and the poor mother will lose her kids.  I know I would do anything to keep my children.  I would even go back to being abused.  Can you understand this?  Can you stop blaming women who go back?  It's for many reasons but being stupid is not one of them.

Economic abuse is when a person seeks to control and have power over his partner by stripping away her ability to support herself.  He wants her to be totally dependent on him for her basic needs.  In a healthy marriage, a woman can depend on her husband's salary, but they both share values and goals concerning money and no matter who earns the biggest paycheck, they mutually agree they are equal partners and share the money in a cooperative manner.  This is a touchy subject even for people in good relationships.  Money problems are in the top 3 reasons for divorce.

If you are in an abusive relationship, it is vital that you start saving money for yourself.  There are many creative ways to do this.  You need to establish an emergency fund and hide it.  I used to find money in the washing machine because my ex husband frequently left cash in his pocket.  Any cash I found, I hid in a tea kettle tucked away in a kitchen cabinet that we never used.  In a short amount of time, I had collected almost $70.00.  That's not a lot of money, but it can put gas in a car.  It can by diapers and ramen noodles.  Sometimes he would ask, "Did you take my money?  I had five dollars in my pocket yesterday."

It is not good to lie, but if you are in an abusive relationship, I hear by give you permission to lie.  I used to say things like, "Hmm, let me help you look."  I would look around the house like I was trying to find it for him.  Just as if you are in the process of making a safety plan to leave, there are certain things you SHOULD NOT tell your abuser.  It is dangerous and so you must protect yourself.

There are many other things you need to do to protect yourself financially.  Go to:  http://gcadv.org/how-to-stop-domestic-financial-abuse/  to learn more.  It is really important information.

A solution for the future: Talk to your children about this.  Tell your sons and your daughters.  Everyone needs to have marketable skill and a way to support themselves.  Period.  Economic abuse can happen to anyone.

I know you are doing the best you can.  I believe in you.

Dating Rules

Guess when most battered women meet their abusers?  When they are between the ages of 15 and 19.  Guess when I met mine?  I was 17.  My parents were good parents but we didn't have dating rules.  Here are a few good ones:

1. No dating until age 16 and your dates cannot be more than two years older than you.
2. You have to go on group dates with friends until age 18 and we have to meet the people you are going with.
3. We encourage old fashion dating which means dating lots of people.
4. Dates have to be in public places.  Hanging out at each other's houses is not a date, it is a recipe for temptation.
5. Don't look for a dating partner to "complete" you.  Look for dating partners who "compliment" who you already are.
6. Curfews need to be according to what grade you are in.  If you are in 11th grade, the curfew is 11:00.  If you are in 12th grade, the curfew is 12:00.
7. Friday nights are for dates and going out with friends.
8. Saturday nights are for family activities.  If you don't participate on family nights, you don't get to enjoy Friday nights with friends. (This is key!!! Take your family on a date every week.  It can be to get an ice cream cone, to go bowling, or to rent a movie and make popcorn.)
9. If you miss your curfew, your curfew will be set an hour earlier for one month.  If you miss curfew twice in a month, you are grounded from the phone, computer, and going out for one week.
10. If we suspect dating abuse or an unhealthy relationship developing, we have the right to forbid you to spend time together outside of school.

Children try to grow up as quickly as they can.  They may be in a hurry to fall in love and many of their friends will be in relationships.  You need to tell your children your dating rules at a very early age so they know what to expect.  You need to explain as early as possible the 4 types of dating abuse.  Here they are:

1. Physical abuse:  Grabbing, pinching, slapping, and hitting are all forms of physical abuse.

2. Emotional abuse:  Name calling, teasing, making fun of, putting down, insulting, making you feel bad about yourself or your ideas are all forms of emotional abuse.

3. Sexual abuse:  Pressure to do things with your body or your partner's body that make you uncomfortable, force to be intimate, being seduced to be intimate after you have already said no are all signs of sexual abuse.  You don't have to have intercourse to have been sexually abused.

4. Psychological abuse: threats, stalking, harassing, excessive text messages or phone calls, checking up constantly, threats that your partner will hurt himself or herself if you break up with them, threats that your partner will hurt you if you break up, are all signs of psychological abuse.

Abuse is all about control.  Tell your children that if they ever feel like their partner is trying to control them, to tell you, a trusted family friend, or a teacher.  If their partner is possessive or jealous, they are trying to control them.

How to order a book

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asklulabelle@windstream.net

Books are $15.00

Is Someone Hurting You?

Maybe you are suspicious that a friend is being abused.  You see some signs and you have a funny feeling.  You want to help but you don't know what to say.  Maybe you pretend you don't know because it makes you uncomfortable.  Maybe you are afraid to get involved because you are not a trained counselor and wouldn't know what to do.

Did you know that Domestic Violence affects 1 in 4 women in the United States?  This statistic is mind blowing to me.  This means we all know women who are affected by Domestic Violence. 

If you want to help, all you have to do is two things.  First, ask the question: "Is someone hurting you?"  She may have been waiting and waiting for someone to ask.

She may deny it.  That's her choice and she may have several reasons for not telling you.  But at least she will know you care and are concerned.

She may think you are crazy for asking if she is not being abused, but I don't think she would be angry about it.  She would probably thank you for caring about her well being. 

She might confide in you that yes, in fact she is being abused.  Here comes the second part.  It is very simple.  Give her a phone number.  You can give her your local domestic violence center's number, your state's hot line number, or the National Domestic Violence number.  Encourage her to talk to someone who can help her.  She doesn't have to make a decision right then and there to leave her partner.  She can get advice about what to do or maybe just have a trained volunteer to talk to.



So, that's all there is to it.  Don't be afraid to ask: "Is someone hurting you?"

The National Domestic Violence Hot Line

1 800 799 SAFE (7233)

Lines are open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week

Can an abuser ever really change?

I know a woman who was married to an abusive man and separated from him for a period of time. She gave him time and space to make some changes. Ultimately, he wanted to stay married but she was not willing to stay married until he got some serious help. Everyone is different. This was what was right for her.  Luckily, her husband pulled through and changed the way he dealt with his problems.  Their first few years were rough, but they have enjoyed many happy years together since reuniting. They have two beautiful children and are happy.  The children are being raised in a safe, loving environment.

I think this might be rare, but it is possible.  I think the important key to this success story is that the wife left while the husband worked on things.  She worked on things too.  If a couple is not functioning while they are together, it is sometimes necessary to separate. 

How do you know if you should leave or stay?

Everyone is different.  Every abuse is different.  What many women would accept as normal treatment may be another woman's definition of abuse.  Verbal and emotional abuse is a grey area.  Physical abuse is more obvious.  But all abuse is abuse.  It doesn't matter if your partner leaves scars and wounds on your body or just in your soul.

Abused women tend to be optimistic care takers.  They grasp on to a hope that tomorrow will be better.  They feel every time they were put down or slapped around will be the last time.  They feel if maybe they can change and become better lovers, better women, better housewives, better mothers, that their partners will finally be happy with them.  Sometimes the honeymoon period following a violent or hurtful episode clouds their reality.  I know it often clouded mine.

If you are asking the question whether you should leave or stay, I suspect you know your answer.  To even be asking it tells me several things.   

1. It tells me that you can admit you are being abused.
2. It tells me that you have seriously considered what it might be like if you left.
3. It tells me that you wish you could stay if he would stop hurting you and frightening you.

When I first started asking myself this question, I thought I should stay.  I told myself things like: It's not that bad.  I need to honor my wedding vows for better and for worse.  If I leave, I am scared he will come after me.  My children will grow up in a broken home. I don't want them to be alone with their father.  If I stay, at least I can watch over them. 

When I talked myself into leaving, I told myself things like: It really is that bad.  I believe in honoring vows but I don't think God would want me to be abused.  If I stay, I will die.  If he doesn't kill me, I am still dying and losing pieces of myself every time he hurts me.  If I leave, I will do whatever I can to fight for my children.  I will go to the ends of the earth to protect them.  They are already growing up in a very broken home.

Leaving is the most dangerous time for a battered woman.  Your answer may wash over you like an epiphany but that doesn't mean you need to rush right out the door.  You may have to wait until you can develop a safety plan with a person who is trained to help you.  The HELP IS FREE!  You can call the national domestic violence hot line and ask for help.   

No one will pressure you.  For a woman who has been stripped of all her power by her abuser, this may be the first time you have a say.  It may be hard for you to make a choice.  It may take a long time for you to decide what is best.  If you need time, you can have time.  You have the power.  You get to choose.  If you want to stay, there is still help available for you.  Many domestic violence center offer amazing support groups.  No one but you can decide if you should stay or go.

Whatever you decide, don't judge yourself.  I know you are doing the best you can.

The National Domestic Violence Hot Line

1 800 799 SAFE (7233)

Lines are open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week

Please support your local Women's Shelter

How does a victim ever find peace when it's over?

Well, first of all, it is never "over."  Whatever you've been through as a domestic violence victim, your wounds will never fully heal.  Now, don't get mad that I just said that.  It doesn't mean you won't find peace and a "happily ever after." 

There are many wounds we will have in our life that will never heal.  Losing a loved one is a prime example.  I think people get in big trouble when they hold on to an ideal that life should be pain free.  Who has told you you are entitled to a perfect life?  Why do so many people fruitlessly spend all their time, money, and energy on attempting to make their life happy and pain free? 

Pain and sorrow are only "bad" for you if you turn it into bitterness, hate, and anger.

But what if you can turn all that pain and sorrow into peace, love, hope, and joy?

Your wounds have left an opening into your heart!  You can fill that opening with self pity.  You may fill that hole with medication or drugs and alcohol.  You may nurse your wounds with anger at your abuser. You may fill that hole with more dysfunctional relationships.  If you stuff your wounds, you will eventually become a closed up woman.

Or, you may see your wounds as an opening to a relationship with your higher power.  You may see that now you have a greater capacity to receive and give love.  You may see yourself stripped away of  pride and left a humble, weak, broken woman who has the unique opportunity to build herself back together piece by piece.  That is a special position to be in.  Kind of makes you feel sorry for those who have had boring lives without pain and suffering.  They don't get to have as big a hole in their hearts.  They won't get to have the opportunity to fill their hearts with as much beauty as you do.

I leave my wounds open now.  I accept them.  I embrace them.  For years, I tried to close them with shame, guilt, embarrassment, and resentments.  I like being open better.  Beautiful things have an easier time going straight into my heart now.

So, you'll never get over domestic violence.  And what you can't get over in life, you must go through.  It can be a very rewarding, uplifting journey.  It can be difficult and trying at times too.  But the process is special if you let your higher power walk with you on your journey.  Along the way, you can find forgiveness which is not a prize for your abuser, but a gift for you to move on in a positive way.  And once you can openly share your story to another victim in hopes of helping them, then you will have reached a peace you could only ever imagine.

**Please support your local domestic violence center.  No amount is too small.  Even non profit organizations have to buy printer ink and paper.  $20.00 can help make a difference in the lives of the women they support.**

There is enough denial to go around for everyone

"William and I had a stand-off in his driveway.  He was yelling for my keys and I was shaking my head no.  I tried to reason with him but he became more and more irate the more I talked.  I tried to go inside the house but he kept blocking the way.  The next thing I knew, Wham!  His fist went through my face.  Again and again.  Blood was pouring out of my nose.  There was a ringing in my ears.  I saw black and I got slammed into the hood of my car which left a dent that looked like my small body.  I slid off the car and landed on the driveway when he started kicking me over and over again.  His driveway was on an incline and I remember when he would kick me, I would roll up the driveway and then roll back down and he would kick me again.  I couldn't get up and I lost my voice just like in a dream when you want to scream but you can't.

Eventually, some people came outside of the next door neighbor's house and they saw us or heard William.  I could barely make out the shapes of the men and it took them a few minutes to realize what they were looking at.  Once it all clicked that I was being beaten, they started screaming at William to stop.  It took four men and William's father to get him off of me.  They took him inside and beat the crap out of him.  William's step mother helped me get up and remove the gravel which had embedded into my skin and she got me bags of ice to put on my face.  No one called the police in case you are wondering."  (Finding Hope, the Journey of a Battered Wife pages 54-55.)

If you had been there, what would you have done?  Would you have called 911?  Domestic violence is a familial disease in my opinion and it affects every single member of the family and even friends.  Good, law abiding citizens who know right from wrong will sometimes deny the truth even if they see it with their own two eyes.

Somebody should have called the police that night.  This episode was the first time William really beat me.  We were just dating.  I was only 18 years old. 

Weeks and months afterwards, when his family would see me, I felt like I was the bad guy.  His step mother just thought I was a moron to stay with William and I suppose she thought that if I stayed, I deserved what I got.  I know his father felt that way.  He told me exactly how he felt more than once.

What I am trying to tell you is that if you know someone who is living this nightmare, you must speak up.  Do the right thing.  It doesn't get better with time on its own.  Maybe you are afraid calling the police will make things worse.  What is worse in the long run?  A dead girl? 

Not calling the police when you see abuse happening is just fueling the abuser's power.  He knows everyone is scared of him and that is why he will keep doing what he is doing.  Domestic Violence training for law enforcement workers has come a long way.  These professionals know what they are doing.  They can whisk the victim and her children to safety.  They can lock the abuser in jail where he deserves to be.  Domestic Violence Centers not only hide the victim and her children, they can offer her hope and help her develop a really good long- term plan for her future.  She will receive legal aid, counseling, and daily support.  By taking a stand, you can save a life.

*Support you local women's shelter. No amount is too small.*

What does she believe?

"I picked up Jolie, escaped the dirty look my mother was giving me, and returned to my life in hell.  I suffered more abuse than I thought humanly possible.  A part of me believed every time he beat me was the last time.  A part of me trusted the promises he made not to touch me again.  Pieces of me believed I deserved it.  I knew what to do and say to make him do it and sometimes I would go ahead and say the magic words to make his rage come out just to get it over with and move on with the rest of my week.  Pieces of me believed it wasn't that bad.  Parts of my heart loved him enough to deny it.  But the biggest piece of me was too scared to leave.  Scared he would kill me.  Scared he would kill my parents.  Scared I would be nothing either way."  Page 86 (Finding Hope, the Journey of a Battered Wife)

Why Me?

I made a tremendous mistake after I escaped my nightmare and landed safely hundreds of miles away with my two daughters.  My mistake was that I closed the door on all the things I left behind in New Mexico.  I was a shattered woman who pretended it never happened.  I believed that I was magically healed since I was far, far away from the man who abused me and was finally legally divorced. 

Denial can make you delusional. 

I was euphoric when I came home.  I felt so free and strong.  I felt courageous and brave.  I was cured.  Fine.  Happy.  Safe.  It lasted a little while.  Then all the things I left behind began following me around everywhere I went.  Fear.  Despair.  Sadness.  Hurt.  Pain. 

I needed counseling.  I was a mess for three or four years after the nightmare was "over." 

I was a mess because I kept trying to shut the door on all those feelings.  I did not talk about the past to anyone.  I pretended it never happened.  It was embarrassing.  If I told someone, they would see what a complete idiot I was.  They would see I was a bad mother who knowingly brought two little girls into a bad situation.  They would know I "allowed" myself to be a victim of terrible abuse.  They would know my secret that I felt so unworthy of being loved that I married a man who hit me, verbally abused me, controlled me, raped me, threatened my life with a gun to my head, and did cruel things to me for 7 years.  I couldn't let anyone know.

And for those who already knew, like my family members, I kept a lid on my feelings so they would see how happy I was.  They wouldn't have to worry about me any more.

It left me confused for a long time.  Why me?  Why did I live that way?  Aren't I smarter than that?  How could I have ever been with a man like him?  I am not the same person.

Delusional.  I AM the same person.  It was me.  It is me.

It wasn't until four years after my plane landed safely far, far away from my ex-husband that I finally reached out for help.  I was remarried by then.  I finally started facing all the things I thought I had left behind which were jepordizing my future and making my present life exhausting.

If you were or are currently in an abusive relationship, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.  No one chooses to be abused.  Your abuser has slowly taken away all your power.  However, this does not mean that you are not emotionally dysfunctional to have fallen in love with someone who wanted to control you.  Sometimes domestic violence blindsides the victim and they honestly didn't see it coming, but in my case, I saw red flags all the way.  There were reasons I was attracted to my partner and I needed to face them head on with a trained counselor to find out what was missing in my heart.  I needed help to find my own personal answers to the question: "Why me?"

Every one's answer is different and complex.  There are a hundred reasons why you are with your partner and there are a hundred reasons why you stay with your partner.  I encourage you to take a personal inventory and discover some of those reasons.  It will be your fourth step in healing and it is a BIG step. 

Many domestic violence centers offer free counseling and group therapy.  You may think it is just an emergency shelter, but it is much more.  If you need to talk to someone, contact your local Women's Shelter and find out what is available on your journey to un-break your heart.  If you have been blessed to live your life without violence, please donate to your local women's shelter and support the programs that help women like me.

The National Domestic Violence Hot Line

1 800 799 SAFE (7233)

Lines are open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week

Why Does She Stay?

A lot of people misunderstand why a woman stays in an abusive relationship. They say things like: "If a man ever hit ME, I would walk right out the door! It would be the first and last time he ever laid a hand on me like that!" Or, "I would never stand for a man calling me a bad name. If my husband ever treated me poorly, I'd file for divorce!"

The misunderstanding is vast. The misunderstanding is what keeps women's shelters all across our country begging for money to sustain their operations because so many people believe if a woman is abused it is her fault.

Let that sink in.

If you believe that you would never "allow" a man to abuse you, you must believe that it is choice. It's not a choice. No one chooses to be abused. For years and years, I believed everything was my fault and I blamed myself for staying with my abuser for so long. I beat myself up as much as my ex husband did.

Sure, the physical pain from being beaten hurts. The emotional pain from being constantly mistreated leaves deep wounds in your heart. But the number one casualty in domestic violence is the loss of personal power. The abuser takes away the woman's personal power. Without power, the woman has no power to choose to leave.

Would you blame a rape victim for "allowing" herself to be raped? The rapist strips away the woman's personal power. In some countries, people actually do blame the victim if she is a woman. But this is America, people. Why are we so barbaric in placing blame on the victim?

If you are wondering how some battered women actually get out if they have no power and no choice, let me tell you what it takes: It takes a miracle.

*Support your local women's shelter*

What Does a Battered Wife Look Like?

After speaking about domestic violence to groups of people, there is typically at least one person who will come up to me afterwards and say, "You just told my story. I went through the same thing." We hug as we recognize we are part of a sisterhood. Sadly, a few women have come up to me after a speech and shared they are going through the nightmare at the present time. These women don't look any different than anyone else. They don't have obvious signs of abuse. I haven't seen a beat up face since I saw my own in the mirror 14 years ago.

Now that one of my speeches has been played over and over on the local television station, I have strangers come up to me at school functions, recitals, and the grocery store who share their stories with me. Most of these women are what I would categorize as "Soccer Moms." They look like smart, pretty, well put together women. Yet, as they are leaving the store, pushing their buggies to their cars, I know some of them are going home to die the slow death of being made to feel as though they are worthless.

Maybe you have a picture in your mind about what a battered wife looks like. Maybe you think she is a poor, uneducated, weak minded person. Maybe you think she is ugly or has scars all over her face.

You must change your mental picture because she looks like me. She looks like your child's teacher. She looks like your sister, your mother, your best friend. Domestic Violence happens to at least one out of every four women in America. Chances are you know someone who is living in hell right now.

The National Domestic Violence Hot Line

1 800 799 SAFE (7233)

Lines are open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week

Please support your local Women's Shelter

How to Order Finding Hope, The Journey of a Battered Wife

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